The Greater Wrench of Solomon the King
 
        Gear up, O my son Rodney, for the beginning of our Wrench is 
to fear God, to adore Him, to honour Him with our lust for Speed. 
When, therefore, thou desirest to have knowledge of the Mechanical 
Arts and Sciences, it is necessary to have prepared the order of hours 
and of days, without the operation of which thou canst repair 
nothing; but if thou observeth them with diligence thou mayst easily 
and thoroughly arrive at the repair and destination which thou 
desirest to attain.
 
In the days and hours of Saturn  thou canst perform repairs of the 
lower end, of the crankshaft and bearings, and of the head, and the 
valves thereof. Also repairs to the brakes; for this restriction unto our 
speed may not be made otherwise. 
 
The days and hours of Jupiter   are proper for bodywork, especially 
that of the sacred hammer and dolly, but take heed that if hot lead be 
used, it appurtaineth not to Jupiter, but to Saturn. Also paint work be 
of Jupiter.
 
The days and hours of Mars   are best for repairs to the exhaust 
system, and of the front end alignment. For it is by the Justice and 
balance of the sword that we should align our suspension 
accordingly. 
 
The days and hours of the Sun   are proper for operations of the 
carburetor, and of the fuel system generally. And this shall also 
include the timing and the spark plugs. Know also that the major 
transplant of one engine unto another shall be of the Sun, since the 
engine is in truth the very heart of the Car. 
 
The days and hours of Venus  are best for repairs to upholstery, and 
for repair and polish of chrome and of the wheel covers.
 
The days and hours of Mercury   are proper for repairs to the 
electrical system, yea, be it unto the charging system or the ignition. 
For the fickle ways of electricity may not be mastered unless it be under 
the auspicious conditions of Mercury.
 
The days and hours of the Moon  are best for maintenance of the 
tires, for they are round and flexible, yet upon the tires is the very 
foundation of our Ride.
 
                        Of the Instruments of the Art
 
The Wrench   should be cast of purest steel which the Adept shall 
have smelted himself, of iron ore mined from consecrated ground 
upon the Spring Equinox at dawn. And he shall recite over it this 
prayer:
        "O Lord most powerful, most wise, and most Fast, we beseech 
thee that thou dost bless this Wrench of Meckanical Art, that we may with thy
great good guidance may turn Bolt and Nut, to the glory of thine ineffable
Frame. Amen."
 
The Screwdriver    should be ground by hand from case-hardened 
iron, and the handle should be orange or blue high-impact plastic, 
upon which is graven the following characters in the Aramaic: 
"Blessed art thou, O Lord, unto the streets and the highways, forever 
and ever and ever, Amen."
 
The Visegrips    shall be bought at the hardware store. And the the 
type shall be of the true and proper type which releaseth outwards, 
and not the type which releaseth inwards, pinching the fingers of the 
Adept and causing him to throw them to the ground, uttering great 
blasphemous curses, for that this is a great iniquity unto the Lord.
 
The Jack    shall be of the true hydraulic type, and the oil thereof 
shall be as follows: take four parts almond oil, add thereto one part oil of 
galangal, two parts oil of myrrh, and one part WD-40. And this oil shall 
form a thin coating which lubricateth and protecteth, covering the Adept 
and his tools, anointing him and making him holy before the Lord.
 
                     Prayer and Conjuration
 
        When we enter herein with all humility, let God Almighty enter 
into this Garage, by the entrance of an eternal happiness,  of a 
Divine repairedness, of an abundant good tune, and of an eternal 
speed. Let all the demons fly from this place, especially those of 
excessive wear and of breakdown. Sanctify, O Lord, our humble 
vehicle herein, Thou the Blessed and Holy Speedster of all Eternity! 
Amen.
 
                    Stronger and More Potent Conjuration
 
        O Lord, hear my prayer, and let the ills of breakdown and 
disrepair leave this our Vehicle. For we have laboured long and hard 
unto these ends, that by our speed and handling may thy glories be 
manifest upon earth. Remove from us the signs of wear, of metal 
fatigue, of rust. Let it be that the nut turneth freely upon the bolt, 
and the old part slide easily off, and the new part be found to fit 
easily back on the first time. Let not the small part roll under the car, 
or away entirely. And let us not drop the socket into the intake 
manifold. Amen.
 
        If this conjuration be yet not successful, another yet more 
powerful conjuration may be used, as follows:
 
                   An Extremely Potent Conjuration
 
        O Lord most potent! Most Wise and most Fast! We beseech 
thee who laboreth unstintingly upon thy streets of glory that this our 
vehicle may yet come to life once more! Abandon us not in this our hour of 
tribulation and of confusion!  Show unto us the problem which we have so 
long troubleshot! Reveal unto us the way all the little parts fit back 
together! Let thy Divine strength enter unto these our hands that we may 
get the parts to fit correctly where it seemeth impossible!
Let the rain stop so that we may work in peace, in dry clothes, with a little
light to see by. Let our hair not get caught in the wheels of the creeper any
more. And let that truck not run over our legs as we lie here under the car
while working in the street. Amen.
 
        If this conjuration sufficeth not, it may be necessary to curse the
recalcitrant spirit which possesseth thy vehicle, causing it not to run, as
follows:
 
                       The Curse
 
        Be ye cursed, damned, and eternally worn out, and be ye 
eternally tormented with lack of lubrication and of rust, so that ye 
find not a single moment of repose by night or by day, if ye not obey 
immediately in the Name of He who maketh the streets to rumble, 
who causeth fire and sleet to fall upon Detroit and Toledo; by these 
names, and by virtue of these names, the which being named all 
vehicles and all parts obey and tremble with fear and terror, and 
which will utterly make you to rust, and to break, and to be left by the 
side of the highway. These names are: FORD, CHEVROLET, and 
CHRYSLER, along with these: CADILLAC and PONTIAC and BUICK; JEEP, WILLYS, 
NASH, and LAFAYETTE; DODGE, PLYMOUTH, DESOTO, STUDEBAKER and MOPAR; PACKARD, 
CORD, and GRAHAM; by NISSAN and DATSUN, HONDA and TOYOTA, by MG and 
GILBURN and INTERNATIONAL HARVESTER!!!
        By these secret names we curse ye, we deprive ye of all office 
and dignity and place upon our vehicle which ye may have held until 
now, and by their virtue and power we relegate you unto a lake of 
used motor oil corrupted with dirty water and leaves, and caked 
with grease saturated with mud and filth and powder of worn 
asbestos brake linings, and unto the deepest depths of the Junk yard, 
that ye may rust and rot there and be forgotten even in the eyes of 
the Lord for ever. 
                        The License to Split
 
        In the name of the Lord, let all spirits split in coolness, and 
be ready always to come when I call, and to aid me in my repair. Amen.