And, I might add, by what society considers valuable and beautiful. There is
so much emphasis in our American culture on physical beauty. I certainly
took to heart the messages in the advertisements, the popular songs, the
movies, etc. Using our culture's expectations and values as a yardstick, I
measured myself and found myself to be lacking by a whole lot. If our
culture only respected and valued beauty, well then, I certainly didn't
count; thus, I made very judgmental and self-critical tapes in my head and
played them over and over to myself. Their message? Carol, you're damaged
goods. Carol, you have the body of a freak. Carol, you are not worthy
enough. Hearing these tapes play in my head became yet another disability
for me to overcome! I developed a deep sense of shame about my scoliosis. I
felt out of place and had poor self-esteem. Nobody really guessed my secret
though because I was very skilled in smiling and acting as if I were the most
confident and poised woman around. If they could only have seen inside
though, they would have seen my soul weeping.
Now I'm in the process of retraining myself. It is happening, but not
overnight as I would have hoped, but very slowly and gradually. I'm feeling
a lot better about myself, and I'm trying to be patient and gentle with
myself. It's a one day at a time kind of thing. I know that I don't have to
allow those old critical tapes to have power over me any more if I don't want
to. I have a choice today. Talking to people on this list as well as the
polio lists has been very helpful as have been my Twelve-Step support groups
that I go to. I do what I can to keep my thoughts positive today.
Thanks for being here.
Carol
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"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy."
--Jabberwocky, Lewis Carroll
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