Rented and re-watched Fight Club.

I think the most salient moment in the film is the scene where Tyler Durben holds the convenience store clerk, Raymond K. Hessle, at gun point and then after he lets him go he says,  “Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Raymond K. Hessle’s life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever had.”

We are on this planet for a relatively brief time and the awareness of that makes the time much more precious than it otherwise would be.

And on that note; I find myself questioning a lot of things lately.  I have half of my family and have alienated the other half.  I miss the other half.  I’ve learned some really hard lessons but I don’t understand why it had to be so difficult, the lessons were costly.

I’m not happy with the way things are going with Eskimo.  I had hoped that once I resolves the service issues, it would take off in a big way, instead it’s just drifted sideways.  It’s stemmed the bleeding and income now covers costs but it’s not generating enough income for me to continue doing this full-time indefinitely, which would be my preference.

The world is changing and I feel like I don’t fit anymore.  I’m not quite 55, and yet it feels like things have changed so much I can hardly stand it.  The Orwellian world described in 1984 is here, the surprising thing is nobody seems to care.

Part of what is messed up is my fault, the time I spent in prison, the alienation of part of my family, and the loss of customers that resulted, but there is also a lot that has changed that isn’t my fault, the rabid commercialism and consumerism that has taken over, the lack of craftsmanship, and the fact that people don’t even seem to care, those things aren’t my fault, and I have a feeling I’d be feeling out of place regardless.

I recently stumbled across this television series on NetFlix called the 4400.  The premise of the show is that people were abducted individually over a about half a century and then returned all at once.  When they were returned, they all had no memory of the time they were in alien custody, hadn’t aged at all, but found themselves out of time, things had changed while they were gone.  It is a feeling I can identify with very much.

My oldest Son turns 30 this year, I turn 55, where has the time gone?  Honestly, I never believed I would live this long, and now that I have I feel like all bets are off.

I like to believe that God isn’t arbitrary.  If he drags us through the muck, there is some reason for it.

Those of you who believe in God, if you would be willing to pray for me, I would ask that you pray for my family to be whole again, for my children that I’ve hurt directly or indirectly to be safe, recover, and thrive, and for God to create in me a clean heart.