Feeling down tonight, even fun music like Don Henley Must Die is only marginally helping.  Feeling down about being old, not sure if I’m ever going to fully recover from the past six years of my life.  I’m past my peak and the slope is getting steeper downward on the other side.

After my father left, when I was around ten, I really didn’t feel like I had a family any more.

Years later, after all four of my kids were born, I felt like I had a real family again but by the time the youngest was born, the oldest was already more than ten years old and I knew my family as being altogether would be short-lived.  Now two aren’t speaking to me, only one is still here, unemployed at 24, and he really avoids participating in anything but video games.  I know this is a self-inflicted wound.  Time wounds all heals, and this heal seems to be wounded to stay.

I feel old, empty, used up, and without much to look forward to.  Things that used to come easy now are really a strain to keep up with.  I was hoping things would seem better after I was done with community custody, but it seems now that I can go somewhere I’ve got no money to get there and really no reason to go.

I’m being public with this because, well for one secrets only got me in trouble, and two, I’ve got to think others have been in this state and some through it, which is to say they’ve found a way out, and I’m praying but so far this is a prayer that is going unanswered.  I’m sure there is a lesson in it somewhere and I’m just not getting it, like the can’t get home dreams.

Anyway, for your amusement and enjoyment, here is Mojo Nixon with Don Henley must Die (I really don’t like Don Henley’s music so while death seems a bit harsh, if I never heard Hotel California again, it would be too soon).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=eEet3RwQnaY