Re: Another "Country" Heard From

annette (nete1(AT)midwest.net)
Sun, 26 Oct 1997 20:27:17 -0600

At 05:57 PM 10/26/97 -0500, you wrote:
>Hi Dan,
>I have been reading your posts & Jeff's and if you don't mind I'd like to
>add my thoughts. First of all, don't ever believe that you're not
>desirable. You are! I have been so impressed with your comments and have
>felt your pain of rejection. It's ironic. All of these yrs. I have felt
>bitter that I went to the gimp schools and wasn't mainstreamed. Now, I am
>reevaluating my situation. My family perceived me as nonsexual but my
>friends didn't. My dear friend JoAnne had MD. Her scoliosis was so bad
>her head laid on her shoulder. She couldn't move one limb. She had all
>kinds of AB boyfriends. My, I was impressed. They fed her, carried her to
>the toilet, kissed her. She was well loved. She took my head off when I
>said I was ugly. She fixed me up with an AB friend of hers. What an ego
>trip for me! I had lots of boyfriends. I think maybe those "special
>schools" had their purpose. We were closer than family and we understood
>the pain, fear, & rejection of society. Maybe it helped us deal better
>with the cold cruel world. When I was older & attending SIU (LOTS OF
>DISABLED PEOPLE THERE) a friend of mine with a disability hired a
>prostitute for a CP friend of ours so he could experience sex. I am
>basically a prude and at the time I was a bit offended. I understand much
>more now. Dan, I am not going to insult you by saying you could meet
>someone at church. I think you should get more involved with people with
>disabilities through CIL'S, etc. There's a camp for adults with
>disabilities, you might find a soul-mate there. I will probably get
>clobbered for saying this, and I know it's not always true, but the most
>loving, and fulfilling relationships are with disabled partners. I dated
>nondisabled men. They didn't and couldn't share my commitment to
>disability rights. They loved me but accessibility problems didn't
>concern them. I am blessed to be married to my best friend. He accepts me
>with all my imperfections as I accept him. We share the same goals, we
>understand what it's like to live in a society that treats us as second
>class citizens. Look for a disabled woman Dan & Jeff. I sure don't mean
>to imply that only disabled women can love you. But, by associating with
>disabled persons you will meet nondisabled persons who are "disability
>wise."
>Val
>
>
Val...
I like your postings regarding relationships etc., but I have to disagree
with you on one point. People with disablities don't always make the
"best" partners for someone else with a disability. Believe me I know, I
have had both AB and disabled partners. The sensitivity, understanding of
disabilities, and the sense of activism sometimes is totally lacking with a
person with a disability. But you turn around and your AB partner can be
the most atune to the situations a disabled person goes thru. It more so
depends on the personality type.

I dated a individual with a spinal cord injury for several years and the
relationship went no were. He was into himself and really didn't care
about being into the "disability" scene.

But over the past 6 years I have been with an AB..In fact you may know
him..it was Carla Hayes husband. We become really good friends over the
years I was at SIU and when she passed away, we were both devastated. Over
time are friendship grew into more and we have been together ever since. I
don't know a person more sensitive to disability issue than he and a caring
individual.
Again Val, I am not arguing the point I am just giving another viewpoint in
what has become a very interesting discussion.

Dan..I do know what you are going thru..There was a time that I too felt
very desperate to find a relationship..thinking it is never going to happen
to me. All the I can say is don't give up. A friend of mind (who has a
disability) met her husband thru a disability pen pal club. It was thru
Accent Magazine. They wrote several times..met, dated, and have been
married over 6 and a half years. He too, is an AB and very into the
disability movement and a very caring person.

You may want to try pen pal or internet BB's to just even strike up a
friendship with someone. I know with all the bad press regarding the
internet chat. But I have met some of the nicest people, and good friends
via the computer.

My thoughts are with all of you...

Take care..
Annette Hanna
nete1(AT)midwest.net