<<I know what you mean. I too have been disabled all of my adult life and I
share your frustration in finding a relationship with a woman. >>
I've been disabled since polio hit at age 7. This affected my relationships
with men because it GREATLY affected how I perceived myself. Polio caused
severe scoliosis; therefore, I have very long legs and arms, but the trunk of
my body is short and twisted. (I'm from a really tall, Scandinavian family
and probably would have been about 5'10" had I not had polio.) Growing up and
watching my body become more disfigured was horrible and tragic for me. I
grew to hate myself and I learned to look in the mirror without really seeing
my body. I'd just focus on my hair, etc. I really saw myself as a freak and I
just KNEW that no male would ever find me attractive. I learned how to deny
my own sexuality even. I taught myself to think of myself in terms of a
eunich. The only way I could even justify my existence was to focus on my
intellect. And that I did. I drove myself with great intensity and became a
workaholic. I had lots of friends both male and female, and I had a really
successful career as a teacher. I could relate to the kids in ways that
others couldn't because I had so much compassion for whatever situation they
were struggling with. But I never had any real romantic ties to anyone. I
really wish that I had sought out therapy at that time; it would have helped
me a lot, but I kept all of this locked inside my heart.
After I had my spinal fusion in '78, I liked how I looked a little bit
better. This tiny bit of increased self-esteem allowed me the space to meet
my husband. He is the most wonderful, accepting, and understanding guy I ever
could have met. I couldn't trust or believe him at first because I kept
thinking that this guy must have some angle. What is the real story here? But
over the years I have learned that he genuinely loves me just exactly the
way I am. He thinks that I'm beautiful in spite of all of my physical
disabilities. Yet throughout our relationship I've still struggled with my
body image and self-esteem as a woman. This has gotten in the way of our
sexual relationship, especially since I've been trached and use a vent. I get
so frustrated with all of the vent hoses, the pulling and tugging at my trach
tube, etc. that I just want to throw up my hands and give up in this area. It
is a struggle, and it still has a lot to do with my own body image. I am in
therapy and I go to 12-Step meetings to learn how to do change my attitude
and my way of seeing. It helps, but it is a very slow and gradual process. I
have hopes for a much more complete relationship with my husband. Meanwhile,
he's patient, understanding, and waiting.
I truly believe that all along from my teenage years on, I would have had
boyfriends and romantic relationships had I been able to get past my own way
of seeing myself -- past this whole body image and attitude thing. I believe
that I limited myself; had I been healthier in my self-image I would have
seen that there were many opportunities that I was blind to. I was standing
in my own sunlight and couldn't see clearly.
Thanks for listening and giving me this opportunity to share this.
Continuing to move forward,
Carol